Good girl syndrome dissolves
Eventually it all drops away. You can’t hold it anymore, it eats away at your fingers - the corrosive nature of being a good girl. The skin dissolves and you are left with cold bony hands and a deep unknowing of yourself. You look in the mirror and you don’t recognize who is looking back at you. If you are lucky you can close your eyes and see that little girl you once were and she can guide you back - start here if you can- ask her what her favourite colour is. But maybe, you can’t even remember what your favourite colour is… or why it’s your favourite colour… is it actually your favourite colour anymore? Why don’t I know what my favourite colour is?
YOU have to strip away all the programming, all the ways you contort yourself to be loved. From your Parents well intentioned directions, to the desire to be the super spouse holding the emotional fortress of family life, to the charades of co-working life and the unstoppable outer world of Barbie still chasing you from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s and yep even her recent resurrection.
Who the hell am I?, This is the juice - the nectar of the Gods … that you run out of when you hit perimenopause because you haven’t been YOU for a very long time. So you jump off the treadmill and you still can’t catch your breath because you have forgotten how to breathe.
And now you must mediate and come back to yourself. Don’t look outside yourself… you are INside. This is about inner-standing.
And everyday you dig her out and expose a little bit more of her to the sun. Do I like carrot cake or chips? Bra’s that push me up or heck no, I'm done with that. Soft natural fibers or crips starched shirts, do I like coffee or have I been told I like coffee? Why can’t I stomach lemon water.. I'd rather have limes. And while I am switching fruit water … I now declare Saturday morning a bra free time zone and Thursday night dessert- fresh berries and cream… or defrosted berries anyway.
Little by little you figure out that you haven’t been able to breathe for a very long time. In fact when you take a class on breathing .. you find that your ribs feel like a cage and you have to slowly open up that cage bit by bit again.
Then you find yourself at the Winners Store and you’ve sucked yourself in but now you owe it to yourself to push it out… thats right, let your body breathe… who cares about your belly - do they know that you almost suffocated to your own self?
Each exhale you release who you are NOT and you inhale in the Real YOU- easier said then done because you have been breathing shallow for the last 30+ years.
Like holding your breath under water when you were a mermaid… you have to start little by little expanding your lug capacity … which seems odd because you are now holding your breath - but that is the first step to breathing deeper and holding more space for the you that you have always wanted to be!
Your body knows - pay attention to your breath- the deeper you can inhale … the easier it is to notice when you are breathing shallow or in extreme cases.. when you are holding your breath. These are the clues to alert you to your contortions!
And now you know - and you excuse yourself from the situation for a moment when you find yourself breathing shallow.
You go and you tell this new you that you are here for her and you take a deep breath and let her rise to the surface.
Each exhale the good girl syndrome dissolves.
The reasonable girl with boundaries takes her rightful place and you remember that you like freedom too.